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Dude

The forecast for today is 82 degrees with scattered thunderstorms. I really hope that it doesn't rain until after two, because I am jonesing for a lunchtime nap in the park like WHOA.

Also, ONE THOUSANDTH POST, BITCHES!!

Last week I went to the park for lunch. I spread out my blanket on the football field, and read as I ate my baloney sandwich. (I like that better, to spell it that way, "baloney".) When I was done with my sandwich, I only had about fifteen minutes left before I had to head back, so I figured I'd lay down and read, but after a short while I decided to put my head down and catch a few zees. I programmed myself to wake up in ten minutes. I set the alarm on my cell phone, just in case.

So I'm laying down, right? I'm laying on my stomach in the middle of a football field, with no one else in sight. I'm laying down in jeans and a polo shirt, work shoes to the side. I fall asleep and am woken up a short while later by heavy breathing. I try to ignore it, but soon there is a dog in my hair. I look up to see the face of a hulking great dog, whose leash is held by a stocky man in a white t-shirt, a man in his mid-thirties at least.

At first I am confused. The dog is big to be sure, but why can't this dude control him? Why couldn't he keep him from waking me up? He makes small talk with me and when I realize he means to stand here and have a conversation with me, I resign myself to doing so, and talk with the guy about what this park used to be. As the sleepfog fades, I realize that this guy used his dog to wake me up, so that he could talk to me. This astounds me somewhat. I realize that I am more sensitive than most people to being awakened. But even so, man -- I'd hate to be disturbed if I was eating, or reading a book, or writing or something, but SLEEPING? Are you serious?

Finally my cell phone beeps (thank goodness!), and I put my shoes on and gather my blanket. The guy looks at my hand or something and says "so you're not married" and I brightly reply "nope" and he says "so then you'd be available to maybe get together sometime?" or something, don't make fun of the language he used because I can't remember exactly what he said and I am making it up. But he asked me out, is what I'm saying.

Now, I am terrible at thinking on my feet, simply awful. I always end up telling the truth. I was gracious enough not to say the most obvious truth, of course, which would be "oh sir, you are too old and unrefined for me" and instead say lamely, "I don't really date."

"I don't really date"? Are you kidding? Who SAYS that? Well, me, apparently. It was in my head because a few days prior, turnip referred to a friend of hers and said "but he doesn't date" and I thought, "hey, that's me! I don't date!" So I mean I guess it's true and everything, but that does not make it a cool- or even realistic-sounding rejection to a date request.

Luckily, the guy thought that this sounded totally reasonable. "Ah, ahright!" he said, and then proceeded to quickly say other awkward things about how he didn't date much either, his dog doesn't like when he brings people over HA HA OH WAIT you know, he means he does, he just doesn't like to share the guys attention something else I don't know, it was awkward and pointless and I wasn't paying too much attention.

He accepted my excuse with such a distinct lack of disbelief, that I'm pretty sure he figured that I was a lesbian.

So anyway, yeah. I'm sort of scared to go back to that park now? I mean not scared. I just would prefer not to run into the guy. I would REALLY prefer if he not interrupt my nap with the intention of asking me out again. If he does, though, I will certainly politely tell him that I look forward to my lunch hour, and to spending that luch hour alone. And asleep. So leave me be.

Oh and P.S.? His dog's name was Dude.

Comments

( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
bigtoe250
May. 7th, 2004 10:24 am (UTC)
do people really do this? that's the lamest, TV-show-like bullshit i ever heard. if he was any kind of gentleman, he'd have strolled up with a bottle of jim beam and a bucket of chicken to share. at least then he would have had a shot....right?
**bringin' the boo yaa**
prettykate
May. 7th, 2004 11:17 am (UTC)
do people really do this? that's the lamest, TV-show-like bullshit i ever heard.

Washu, I second this!
Also, dog owners are like bad parents sometimes. They assume everyone is delighted by the presence of their child/pet. When we lived in Brooklyn, LOADS of families in our building had guard dogs that would bark and growl at you, and I think that is the reason why I am sorta' scared of big dogs. So if that dog was in my face I would have SCREAMED! I would have been terrified! Man, that would have really backfired!

Dogs are also droolers and lickers... and gross sometimes. What if he LICKED you?!

Oh man, This is really getting me going. You get the idea.

littlewashu
May. 7th, 2004 11:41 am (UTC)
I was thinking the same thing, man. "I don't mind this, but man, some people certainly would!" At first I just thought he couldn't hold the dog back, but when he was able to keep him out of my Wawa bag, I realized his audacity.
littlewashu
May. 7th, 2004 01:45 pm (UTC)
Food AND Jim Beam? You betcha. My heart is very easily bought (fed).
ranai
May. 7th, 2004 10:25 am (UTC)
I am going to set Indi upon sleeping hotties in the park from now on.

I forsee only success from this venture.
bakerloo
May. 7th, 2004 10:36 am (UTC)
i've totally told people I don't date before, you are not alone.
littlewashu
May. 7th, 2004 11:37 am (UTC)
Really?? Did they believe you, or did they think you were feeding them a line?
bakerloo
May. 7th, 2004 12:30 pm (UTC)
they wanted to challenge me.

ME: "I don't date"
Stupid Guy: "Well, that's cause you haven't met me yet!"
littlewashu
May. 7th, 2004 01:01 pm (UTC)
OH MAN, as soon as I had said the words, I realized that they were challengable and I was so worried that he would do something just like that!! This guy wasn't confident enough, luckily (boviously, since he needed Dude to set us up).
bigtoe250
May. 7th, 2004 11:00 am (UTC)
he could have pulled a fast one on you....

him: so you're not married
you: nope
him: so then you'd be available to maybe get together sometime?
you: I don't really date.
him: SWEET!
you: huh?
him: so you're just down with the fuckin', too?!?!?! AWESOME!!! Can Dude come as well?

this is where you run like the wind and why honesty is the best policy. next time, just tell him you're a nun.
whosaidilied
May. 7th, 2004 11:04 am (UTC)
this is a very depressing story.
manningkrull
May. 7th, 2004 01:05 pm (UTC)
Man, you took the words right out of my mouth. And furthermore, fuck that guy, he's an asshole.
emalinebeachbum
May. 7th, 2004 11:11 am (UTC)
Wow... that has to be one of the worst attempts at a pick-up, to date. Almost as pitiful as those guys who purposefully throw a football at you on the beach to get your attention or my personal favorite:
teenage boys who think it's a turn on to throw Chinese firecrackers at your feet on the boardwalk and then yell out... "Heeeeeyyy... how you doin'?"

Only in Jersey.

Also, I'd like to commend you for using the word "jonesin'". It should be a part of everyone's daily vocabulary.
littlewashu
May. 7th, 2004 01:19 pm (UTC)
It seems that it is far too often in my daily life that I have an urge to stare wide-eyed at someone and say "are you serious?"

I'm glad you liked my use of "jonesing", because spellcheck sure didn't! It does offer "jone-sing", though, which is . . . well, I don't know what that is. Also "consing," what the heck is a consing?
qed
May. 7th, 2004 11:35 am (UTC)
The question is, if he was cute and your age, would you have said yes?
littlewashu
May. 7th, 2004 12:59 pm (UTC)
Well, no, because I don't date.

If he were cute and my age and charming (which this guy was not), and I were at a point in time where I was open to dating, then I could overlook the dog thing. If that is what you are getting at. I'd be sure to make fun of him for it on our first date, though.
qed
May. 7th, 2004 03:15 pm (UTC)
I was trying to decide, if a woman did that to me, whether I would punch her in the face or be so flattered I thought it was awesome. And I realized that it would probably come down to whether or not she was attractive and not stupid. Which kind of made me feel like an asshole, because why should an ugly woman be an asshole for waking me up, but a cute girl be awesome?

Thankfully, these are not the kinds of situations I have to deal with...
littlewashu
May. 7th, 2004 06:48 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I too give cute guys more of a benefit of the doubt. It's kind of shitty, but I can't pretend it isn't true.

Waking me up, though, is a special kind of crime. You've never lived with me, so you might not know the extent of my wrath, but in college, if I had to be woken up, Michelle and Kim would fight over who had to go do it. I'm CRANKY.
littlewashu
May. 7th, 2004 01:12 pm (UTC)
Hmm, but then again, if he were charming, he would not have woken me up via dog. Those two things are mutually exclusive. So, no.
greta
May. 7th, 2004 01:01 pm (UTC)
i just read something you wrote (not associated with this post) and you have become my favorite person so far today.
littlewashu
May. 7th, 2004 01:16 pm (UTC)
Well all right.
grapenut
May. 7th, 2004 01:44 pm (UTC)
man, i almost feel sorry for this guy. everybody's quick to say he's an asshole but it sounds like as soon as you said no, he accepted it and was maybe even a little embarrassed for asking in the first place. he prolly just thought you were cute and thought, "what the heck".

also, i didn't know you didn't date. i mean, boviously i know you're not dating anyone currently but i didn't realize you didn't date at all. any particular reason? or is it just a personal rule of thumb? i's just curious.
littlewashu
May. 7th, 2004 01:52 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I don't think he was an asshole, he seemed like an all right guy. It just would have behooved him to wander around the field until I had risen on my own. I guess he was too impatient.

I dunno, it's just that my life seems pretty full and complete right now. It's been so long that I had a boyfriend, that there isn't any room, if that makes any sense. It seems like I don't have enough time to do everything that I want as it is, and I'm so stubborn and lazy that I'm sort of unwilling to make time for someone else. I like things the way they are, and I get cranky when I have to change for OTHER people.

Haha, so I guess it mostly comes down to me being lazy, stubborn, and selfish. It wouldn't be fair to subject some poor fool to that nonsense!
swolfe
May. 10th, 2004 07:01 am (UTC)
yeah, i kind of feel sorry for him too...i mean, it takes a lot of courage to go up to a random girl and ask her out. and the fact that he did everything completely wrong, well...that just makes it a little more sad..
neverbefound
May. 10th, 2004 08:51 am (UTC)
the "dude" thing...

fucking cracked me up.
neverbefound
May. 10th, 2004 09:54 am (UTC)
ok. this is one of the many ways in which I am an idiot.
I messaged you that I didn't realize you were 'local', but then realized I had your username mixed up with someone else's (wachie) who has been on my friends list a long time.

how dumb is that???

littlewashu
May. 10th, 2004 01:06 pm (UTC)
Haha, yup, I'm in South Jersey. I figured you knew that already, that it was part of the reason you added me. May I ask how you stumbled across my journal?
neverbefound
May. 10th, 2004 02:01 pm (UTC)
it's all a blur...
and yeah it was part of why i added you I think, but for the life of me I can't recall exactly how... i think it was one of my middle-of-the-night random-lj-searchengine binges.
( 28 comments — Leave a comment )

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