April 4th, 2001

mr. robin

I Have A Muse

Yay! I bought a digital camcorder. A pretty nice one, for someone who has no camcorder experience whatsoever. It is the first major purchase I have made for myself since I have had this new job with its very decent salary. Well, except my bed that I bought when I moved into my present apartment, but that's different.

I hope I use it. The camcorder, that is -- I use my bed all the time. It's a lot of money to blow on something that could very well spend a lot of time sitting in my closet collecting dust. And I bought it on eBay, and I thought I was getting a nice deal, and it got a sweet review from cnet.com, but now I'm finding these other models, like Panasonics and whatnot, that are cheaper but have similar options, and I'm second guessing myself and worrying that I made a foolish decision, so I have to STOP because I already bought the damn thing and it doesn't matter now.

The decision to purchase a camcorder, by the way, came to me at a very specific moment. And since you asked, I will describe that moment to you now.

A few weekends ago I was hanging out with a few friends, about half of whom were "rolling" (I never touch the stuff). One friend in particular, I'll call him "Dave", took a while to come on, but once he did, he was izzon. He began speaking very intently at my other friend (I'll call him "Mitchell"), who was trying very hard to react to Dave in serious manner.

Dave was giving Mitchell some sort of scenario -- some sort of very serious and complicated scenario. I couldn't hear what he was saying from where I was across the room, but that's all right, because I'm pretty sure he wasn't making much sense anyway. He described this situation to Mitch, always speaking of him in the third person (". . . so Mitch has a farm of camels . . . "). He was talking this way for, oh, I don't know, 4 or 5 minutes. Finally he said, "so what does Mitch do?"

Mitch (who is pretty straight except for a few drinks) thought very carefully and then said, "I'm gonna have to take the 50-50".

Which was funny, because Dave hadn't given him any choices yet.

So Dave had to explain which choices Mitch has just eliminated in choosing the 50-50. He explained "number one, A," in about 2 or 3 minutes I don't remember/didn't hear any of that. He concluded by saying "that's the first one you didn't choose." Then he started explaining choice B. I didn't hear the first 5 minutes of choice B, but after a while it didn't seem possible that Dave could still remember that what he was describing was not a story, but a possible ending to a story, an ending which was false. I do remember the end of it: "and then Mitch came flying up in a hot air balloon [insert arm gestures] with a rainbow painted on it, and banner flying that said 'I Love Everyone'. That's Choice B."

At this point, I and my fellow observer Gina started cracking the fuck up. Not only was the ending very . . . well, wonderful, but the fact that Dave knew the whole time what he was doing was nothing short of remarkable. And funny.

Unfortunately, Dave was for some reason offended by Gina and mine's mirth, and refused to describe the two options that Mitch could choose. He had to choose C or D without hearing them first. I can't remember if he ever got around to doing that or not.

The point of this story (and there is one, I swear) is that Dave's entire monologue was absolute genius, and it is a crime that those moments are lost forever. I want a digital camcorder so that will never happen again. I want a digital camcorder so that I may chronicle every word that comes from Dave's mouth, particularly when he's fucked up. So that when I'm old and alone and sad, I will have something.

Thank you, Dave.