September 26th, 2001

mr. robin

Orville

PART I

Okay. You know how when you make a bag of microwave popcorn, how the popcorn looks? Every kernel is different. The little kernel explodes into a puff of corny goodness, and the little hard parts of the kernel are splayed out all over the thing, every which-way. This is the case also when you air-pop it, or when (back in the day) your dad made popcorn ON THE STOVE in, like, a POT or something. I don't really remember the process exactly, I was five, but you know what I'm talking about. I guess this is probably also how they look when one makes Jiffy-Pop, but we never used Jiffy-Pop, Jiffy-Pop is lame.

Okay, so now recall what popcorn looks like when you buy a bag of it at Wawa: buttery Herrs, cheddary SmartFood, whatever. It looks different, right? It's one big pouf of corny goodness, and at its feet are the little hard pieces from the kernels. Almost every kernel has the same shape, like a popcorn octopus with elephantitis of the head.

So why is that? Why does that happen? Does it have to do with temperature? Are the Herrs-made popcorns heated more abrubtly than the micowave kind? Are they lined up in little rows or something? What about movie popcorn, what does that look like? I can't remember, because it's dark in movie theaters, and that's where I eat my movie popcorn. I want to say that they're somewhere in between homemade and Wawa popcorn, but I can't remember for sure.

PART II

Okay, now I'm going to describe to you a popcorn-eating method that I have never (besides yesterday to one person) revealed to anyone else, because it involves nibbling, and I've always gotten yelled at for nibbling. But it's too good to be kept to myself any longer, so I will reveal it to you now. Be forewarned, it does involve nibbling, but it also makes popcorn taste really good, so listen up.

What I like to do, when I'm alone or I think no one's paying attention, is to isolate the soft corny part of the kernel. This is extremely easy with store-bought popcorn, and somewhat less rewarding with homemade popcorn. I take the kernel and nibble off all of the hard pieces with my teeth. I keep my lips upcurled, so that I don't get the soft part all spitty. Then I put the soft part aside, and move on to the next kernel. I repeat. Over and over again, because there has to be a BIG pile of popcorn-soft-parts before I move on to the next step. When there's about a handful of altered popcorn, I make sure my mouth is clean of all nubby kernel parts, and then I put the whole big pile into my mouth at once. I can fit two handfuls at once, at least.

If you try my method, I assure you, you will not be disappointed. The popcorn, devoid of all hardness, melts on your tongue in a melty buttery corny soft wonderful yummy mess. The bliss only lasts a few seconds, but it's so blissful that it's worth all that hard work you did, segregating the hard from the soft.

As I said, trying this with store-bought popcorn is far more rewarding, because the big fluffy parts are so easy to isolate, and one can create a huge pile of them in minutes. But homemade is good too.

This is me saying goodnight, goodnight.
mr. robin

Up yours

Man. Am I tired of reading about why everyone thinks everyone else is wrong about what we should in response to 09-11. You know who's a fucking moron? YOU. You think we should bomb the Middle East back to the Stone Age? You're an idiot. You think we should do nothing? You're an imbecile. You have NO IDEA what we should do. You have NO military experience whatsoever. You've never paid attention to our country's foreign policy before. You probably didn't even pay much attention in History class. You think the media is doing a horrible, sensationalistic job? You're a dummy. Do you even READ the articles, or just the headlines? You trust everything the media tells you? You're a dunce. Why don't you get as much information from as many sources as you can, and try to figure out for yourself what's probably closest to the truth? And remain cognizant of the fact that you're never going to get it perfectly right?

What ever happened to moderation? What ever happened to mediocrity? What ever happened to admitting that you DON'T KNOW and you're not in a position to know, really? Man, they should fucking make me the president, because I don't want the job and I wouldn't know what the fuck I was doing. Hal's a goddamned idiot, but he's also a fucking genius, because he KNOWS he's a goddamned idiot. We should make HAL the president.

______________________________________


On a lighter note, Word won't give me synonyms for idiot, moron, dummy, dunce, or imbecile. Why?