March 25th, 2004

mr. robin


I feel weird today.

My little brother is leaving. He's going to be gone for so long. He's going to be so far away.

See, it's weird, because I won't be not-seeing him for any longer than I usually don't-see him. Since he's been at school, it's not unusual for us to go months without seeing each other. And if I go visit him in Germany, it'll only be two months, and then the visit, and then two more months before he's home again. And then we all go on a big family vacation to Ireland.

But he'll be so far away, you know? He'll be so far away. Where people don't speak the language he does.

He's going to be lonely, sometimes. It's inevitable.

I just hope he has an amazing time.

What also gets me, I think, is that this is such a big deal to him, this is going to be so different from anything he's done before, it's going to seem like he's there forever, to him. And to his girlfriend. But to me, nothing much is going to be different. Time is going to pass as it always does, and from here, four months doesn't seem like a long time. Four months ago it was Christmas. That doesn't seem like so long ago. Shit, my decorations are still up. Four months in another country will feel like a lifetime. No?

I guess I feel as though something momentous should happen before he leaves. Something wonderful and fraternal, a special send-off. I don't know what to do about that. My brother and I like and respect and admire each other a really, really lot, but we haven't lived together in eight years. We like and love each other, but we don't have important, intimate conversations. So why should we suddenly have one now that he's leaving? What would we talk about? I get the feeling he's maybe not that type of guy, anyway.

I don't know.

I just worry. I want him to have a good time. I don't know, I feel weird. And sad. Love you, Sean.
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    weird weird
mr. robin


But hey, I mean, there's nothing really to be upset about. It's not going to make that much difference in MY life, and HIS life is going to be totally interesting and memory-making and sunshine and roses, so I don't know what I'm kvetching about.

He's still in bed, I'm going to go home at lunchtime and bring pizza.

I'm looking at plane tickets. I should have done this months ago, but I'm a procrastinator. Anyway, my plan in my head was to actually fly into Amsterdam, and spend a couple nights there, on my own. I mean, while I'm in the neighborhood, right? Why not? But when I tried to work up some itineraries a few weeks ago, the price was SKYROCKETING when I tried to arrange a multiple-city jawn. So today I figured maybe I'd try to do it piece by piece, maybe things were looking stupid because they're all one-way flights. The logical thing to do would be to fly into Amsterdam, then take a flight from there to Berlin, and then get back to Amsterdam to get home. But (if I recall correctly) Iceland Air is the only airline that doesn't stop in London. So maybe London as my jumping off point would be the way to go. Fly into London, take a quick flight on KLM to Amsterdam (I did that back in '98, it's easy and cheap, only like $70-$80), and then at the end of my stay, fly from Berlin to London.

Well, I found out the expensive part of my trip: a flight from Amsterdam to Berlin is FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. WTF, mates? They're right there!! Same continent and everything! Man. Oh well. The whole point was that this was supposed to be a cheap way to get to Amsterdam, but apparently that's not happening. So Germany it is. Not that I'm complaining, of course. I may still plan a short little trip by myself, though. Depending on how busy Sean is with school whilst I'm there. Traveling alone in a foreign country is an interesting feeling. And man, Germany is beautiful, what I saw of it, anyway. Bavaria. I liked Bavaria.

Man, also, my computer! They put it together! It is on the way to my carrier's regional shipping center! I'll be receiving it sometime next week! I couldn't be more excited! I check every three seconds to see if there are any updates. I am so excited! Also, my parents bought me a nice scanner for my birthday, but they forgot to bring it with them when they came to visit. So Sean brought it down with him yesterday. It's beautiful! So shiny and smooth. I stroked it. I'm not going to bother hooking it up to this old computer, I'll wait til I get my shiny new one. I need to get a computer desk this weekend! So that he has a nice home when he arrives. My current computer desk is a piece of crap.

I'm so excited about all this! Computer, and Germany! Also I have to buy a car before the bro comes back from the Fatherland, I promised him! So I have that to do too!

And then finally I can think about buying a house! Unless my trip to Germany reminds me that I don't want to settle down ever, I just want to travel my life away. We'll see if that happens.

Bye, I'm off to pick up pizza!
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    weird better