I used to be very aware and accepting of the fact that I have no willpower, but then I thought I was getting better at that. I got better at not eating all the time, and then not smoking all the time. I thought I was growing, as a person.
But I keep SAYING things and DOING things that SUCK. And the instant after they've been said or done, I want to kick myself in the face. Hey, somebody should.
I feel like a little kid all the time. I feel as though it's unfair when people expect me to know what I'm doing at any time, at anything. I feel like people should be impressed that I so much as have my shit together in so much as one area of my life.
Once, a few years ago, I was grocery shopping with my moms. I guess this was when I was in college, so I was then grocery shopping for myself, but it still didn't feel natural.
We were by the Meats, and I asked my mom, "do you feel like a grown-up yet?"
She looked at me, not un-sad, and said, "No."
The other day I made a list to go to the grocery store, and it was in reasonably good order: that is, I had managed to list the items I needed in the order in which I would encounter them in the store. I was VERY proud of myself because of this. I almost wrote a freaking JOURNAL ENTRY about it, I just forgot. Can you believe that? Who would want to read that? I've shopped at Acme enough times, knowing the order in which the food comes should NOT be a big deal. And yet I wanted congratulations for it. I'm such a child.
And it's never going to end! My mom is fifty-three years old. She's not irresponsible or immature, but she is just a regular person, with fears and uncertainties and I guess sometimes she does the wrong thing and realizes too late. There's no thing, no event, that suddenly makes you a grown-up. There's no book that tells you everything, you just have to figure everything out by YOURSELF. And I'm so BAD at it. I never learn, I never learn. Whenever I screw up, I say, "well that's okay, I'll just never make this mistake again." But maybe I should have fucking seen it coming! And I DO make the same mistakes over and over again, I do, and I just keep fucking it up and fucking it up and fucking it up.
And I swear this whole post is on-topic, it is, you just have to try real hard to see it.
I'm going home.